Week 13 in the Vale of Tears: I Have No Idea

If my students have heard it once, they've heard it... yeah. "Never apologize before presenting your work."

Well, being in San Antonio for a conference, I didn't watch much football this weekend. I did stuff like this.

And this.

Yep, that's my birdie putt. And this.

I'm the ugly one closest to the camera. 

So I don't know much about what really went down this week. I just know what I read. And with Donald Rumsfeld, I also know how much I don't know.

I mean, after posting what to my mind have been some pretty damn prescient analysis this season, I've been a mess the past couple of weeks. I have no idea. So here we go with the best I've got for Week 13. Expect some bad humor.

1. What the hell, Ole Miss? Kelly goes down, and I give up on you. Patterson looks like freaking Aaron Rogers -- the old version -- and I get back on the bus. So you travel to Vandy. And not only do you lose, you get trampled. Dominated. Black Beared. Land Sharked. Exposed. How to choose between Rebels and Bullies this week, I have no idea. I'll go with Rebs.

2. Having been forced to move its date with Florida due to hurricane, LSU openly boasted that the Gators were running skeered. This author predicted Gator stew. Saturday morning our cell phones lit up with the alert: "Fournette out." I worried a little bit. Should have worried big. Huge disappointment from LSU.

3. Florida must be so pleased with itself, having won the grudge match with LSU and earned an SEC East title. That's awesome. Maybe the Gators will choke out Florida State in the big rivalry. So why the long face? 

Get it?
Gators?
Long face?
We only do quality here.

Well, Florida also earned an extra game against Alabama in the Conference Championship game. It's good for exposure. Good for morale. Good for many, many tears.

We almost ranked the Gators #1.

4. Mizzou. Worst team in the league. Over and out.

5. State lost to Arkansas 58-42. Time was, such a score was inconceivable. Only a year ago, State's defense was so splendidly coached. Granted, they lost way too many key contributors, but this is an open latrine. No bowl for the Bullies (get it?), which is why I think they lose to Ole Miss. You should probably bet on State.

6. As it had to do, Auburn destroyed A&M. Alabama A&M, that is. Backup RB Kam Martin gained 176 yards. It was sweet to see Jeremy Johnson play effectively. A preseason Heisman Watch guy in 2015, a guy who lit up Arkansas in his only big start of 2014, Johnson has fallen apart against good teams that create chaos. Auburn faces Alabama this week, and it looks like Sean White won't be able to go. That's more than enough chaos, and Auburn has literally no answer. Expect a heroic early performance from the Auburn D, followed by a collapse due to carrying too heavy a load. Sad eyes in Auburn.

7. I can't understand what's up in College Station. Texas A&M has a lackluster win against UTSA. Stuff happens. But the Kevin Sumlin hot seat talk fires up again.

8. South Carolina beat Western Carolina. And who honestly cares? Showing signs of life and guaranteed a bowl appearance, the Gamecocks also feature obvious weaknesses. Clemson is next, and Clemson will be ready. As we've been saying, two more years.

9. Georgia beat Lafayette. I suppose that would feel good to redcoats. (Get it?) Who knows? They Dawgs will experience true happiness with a win over Georgia Tech. Hardly a given.

10. Last time we get to say it. Kentucky beat Peay. (Lord.) No biggie. Peay was 0-10 in the FCS. But the Cats are bowl bound at 6-5, facing a true defurring at the hands of an angry Louisville team. (Ugh.)

11. Ok, Arkansas, we see you. You're a bully. You beat up on weaklings. You trounce the overrated. And when you face a true meany, you crumble. Yeah, sure. 661 total yards against State. But Austin Allen is the real deal. 

12. Tennessee lit up Mizzou. But outside of some wing establishments, nobody in Knoxville is puffing out their chests. (Oy.) Smokey is a sweet mascot, but it looks like the Vols are just bullies. This week's visit to the Alamo reminded me that the heroic Davy Crockett was really just a redneck opportunist. At least he didn't surrender like Tennessee does.

13. You have to admire how Nick Saban refuses to shame weaker opponents. Alabama faced a quality FCS opponent in Chattanooga, but there's no reason to think Bama will be kind to a mean Auburn team that's missing its key offensive players. 

14. Vandy. Yes, I'm an alum. But Vandy! It's a surprise the Dores beat Ole Miss, but it's not a shock. What is shocking is that Vandy turned the Landsharks into hajkött. (We aim to educate.) And it's shocking that Vandy has found a working passing game. A win at home against UT will send Vandy to a bowl -- but that ain't happening. Weirdest of all: Vandy's computer ratings may send a 5-7 Commodore team to a bowl anyway. Watch the news.